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The year was 1989 and Lord Robbo was quite obviously bored because, when a letter arrived from the local council informing him that the method of refuse collection was about to change, he decided to have some fun. The original letter from Clydesdale District Council which set off the following correspondence has been lost in the mists of time but, basically, it informed householders in Carluke of the introduction of the ‘Wheelie Bin’, a large refuse bin with a secure lid and fitted with wheels. Prior to this the rubbish bins were of the traditional type - loose lid, no wheels - and, of course, the council workmen charged with emptying them each week would enter the property, heave the bins over their big strong shoulders, throw the contents into the refuse lorry and return the bins, with a new plastic sack attached, to their rightful place usually at the rear of the house. However, the introduction of the ‘Wheelie Bin’ was about to change all
that....................
To: Clydesdale District Council
From: Robbo Towers
15th August 1989
Wheeled Bin Refuse Collection Trial Scheme
Dear Sirs,
Thank you so much for your kind invitation to participate in the above scheme from October this year.
It is jolly nice of you to try and get us poor householders actively involved in Council affairs, albeit merely to push and pull our fine new ‘council property’ bins to the pavement edge for emptying. (Funnily enough, you omit to mention in your glossy leaflet that it is also our pleasure to trundle the blighters back again after your employees have done their little bit).
I feel sure, however, that this is just the start of enforced community involvement - I look forward to the day when we’ll all be invited to ‘fill in your own pothole’, ‘climb and repair your local street light’, ‘ clean out your nearest sewer’, or perhaps ‘charge the Council your own poll tax’.
However, it is with regret that I must decline the pleasure of becoming involved in your latest wheeze, due mainly to pressure of time and the fact that my present employers might take a dim view of my moonlighting for the local council.
Could you please, therefore, make arrangements for my bins to be emptied in the time-honoured fashion. Please do not go to all the trouble of delivering one of these wonderful DIY bins on wheels. A black plastic bin liner will suffice.
Alternatively, a rebate of the Community Charge might be acceptable or perhaps even a small consideration of perhaps, say, a ‘fiver’ a week. Your men could leave it in the empty bin if you’d rather not go through all the formalities of adding my name to the Council payroll and issuing P60’s and the like.
I look forward to hearing from you, assuming of course that the Post Office hasn’t adopted a similar scheme and I have to collect your reply from them rather than having it delivered to my door.
Yours sincerely,
Lord Robbo
To: Robbo Towers
From: Clydesdale District Council Ref: ARL/JS/RC/6/2
29th August 1989
Wheeled Bin Refuse Collection Trial Scheme
Dear Lord Robbo,
Thank you for your letter of 15th August and I note the points you make therein.
The District Council has looked into the question of wheeled bin provision over a number of years and having looked at the scheme in operation in other authorities’ areas have come to the conclusion that this may well be the best method of refusecollection for Clydesdale District to employ. However, rather than introduce the scheme permanently, it has been decided to have a six month trial in the first instance. Only after the trial has been evaluated, part of which will involve feedback from local residents, will a decision be taken on whether or not to keep the scheme in operation. I would ask therefore that you give the new method a chance to operate before coming to a conclusion.
I would point out that in terms of the Civic Government (Scotland) Act 1982 the District Council has the ability to decide on which method of refuse collection to use. It will not be possible therefore to mix the methods of refuse collection and all houses in the trial area will be expected to use the wheeled bin method when the trial is in operation. I would add as a way of reassurance that it has been found in other authorities where this system has been introduced that the public are in general quite happy with the wheeled bins once they have been in operation for a while. Should you require any further information once the system is in operation, please do not hesitate to contact my office again.
Yours faithfully,
Director of Environmental Health
To: Clydesdale District Council
From: Robbo Towers
30th September 1989
Your ref: ARL/JS/RC/6/2
My ref: LNG/RNNG/SA/GA
Wheeled Bin Refuse Collection Trial Scheme
Dear Sirs,
I thank you for your reply to my letter of the 15th August 1989.
As of this morning I am the proud owner of one of your new ‘Sulo’ bins ( wasn’t that the name of a character in Star Trek? Is there a connection?). It’s an impressive looking structure, I have to admit, and the sight of scores of them standing ‘sentinel’ like up and down -------- Avenue in the early morning mist was a sight as impressive as the dawn breaking over the Statue of Liberty and Manhattan, I can tell you.
However, despite my misgivings detailed in my previous letter, I thought that I should enter into the spirit of things and have a practise run in time for the big day. The kids thought it was marvellous, much more exciting than a skateboard, whatever that is. It’s even got it’s own serial number to aid identification in case it gets stolen! (Is there a black market in this sort of thing then? Are there hordes of Sulo bin junkies about in this world who can’t get enough of them? Surely not in Carluke?).
I’ve already taken a note of my serial number and have deposited it in the secure hands of my solicitor along with the other important family papers.
Back to the practise run. Disaster! The bally thing is too wide to get round the side of Robbo Towers to the rear, where our ancient family tradition dictates that the bins are kept. No amount of pushing or shoving would work. What to do? I couldn’t leave old Sulo outside at the front door. What would the neighbours think? Or even worse, any guests to the house? For all I know it may be fashionable in some quarters to have your rubbish bin greet your dinner guests but the habit hasn’t arrived here yet. We were last to adopt flared trousers too you know.
Widen the path appears to be the answer, but this is a major undertaking for one as inept at DIY as I. Expensive too. So I’ll make a deal with you. Either a) You arrange for some of your finest Council workmen to call and do it for me (free gratis, I’m afraid) or b) you beam Sulo back to base toot de sweet, as they say.
Can’t say fairer than that, I’m sure you’ll agree. How about that we set a deadline for either a) or b) to happen? Friday the 13th October (a good job I’m not superstitious. Are you?) seems like a good date since that’s when jolly old Sulo is due to be wheeled out for the first time. In the meantime we just won’t invite anyone around for a meal. It’ll be hard on Mrs. Robbo curtailing our social life until then, but at least we won’t be filling Sulo up with discarded After Eight mint wrappers.
I look forward to your reply. Don’t be so stuffy this time. It’s a bit of a giggle really.
Yours sincerely,
Lord Robbo
To: Robbo Towers
From: Clydesdale District Council
5th October 1989
Your ref: LNG/RNNG/SA/GA
Our ref: GE/ZA/BRK
Trial Scheme of Wheeled Refuse Collection
Thank you for your communication of 3oth September 1989 which materialised on my desk on the 3rd October, 1989.
On my officer’s latest mission to explore the universe and boldly go where very few Council staff have been before, a check was made on the points raised in your communication.
As you say, Sulo is rather wide for the path, although with
a little manoeuvring over the edge of the grass it would not be impossible to wheel Sulo back and forward.
There would therefore appear to be two solutions to the difficulty as follows:
a) The Council (Federation) introduces you to Sulo Junior which, although smaller than the present Sulo, is still of a size to hold approximately one and a half plastic sacks in volume or
b) you continue to take advantage of the larger Sulo’s volume and have to put up with having to go over the grass verge.
I regret that it is not possible to provide crew members to assist you with the manoeuvring of Sulo as they have all been beamed to locations to assist the disabled with their Sulos.
Should you wish to contact me on your communicator from the Final Frontier I will break off the search for Spock in an attempt to resolve your problem,
Yours faithfully,
Director of Environmental Health
To: Clydesdale District Council
From: Robbo Towers
7th October 1989
Your ref: GE/ZA/BRK
My ref: O/DR/O/DR
Wheeled Bin Refuse Collection Trial Scheme
Dear Sirs,
Thank you very much for your letter of the 5th October in reply to mine of the 30th September in reply to yours of the 29th August in response to mine of the 15th August.
Is there another Robbo Towers in Carluke? No, you see the reason I ask is that you mention manoeuvring old Sulo over the edge of the grass to get him back and forward, but there’s a foot high concrete edge to the side of the path which knocks that idea on the head. So did your pal who came to have a look go to the wrong Robbo Towers, eh? This could explain a lot, you know. I’ve long suspected that there’s a duplicate address around here. How else do you explain why I only ever get bills and final demands whilst £1 million pools winnings never seem to materialise. A letter to the Post Office looks like being in order.
I must say I’m intrigued by your snooper (no libel intended). Does he do this sort of thing often? A hazardous occupation, I’d warrant, sneaking around people’s pathways, presumably in the dead of night, fitting them up for a Sulo. This neck of the woods is notorious for shooting first and asking questions later. Anyhow, if he did find the correct house he would have been surprised to find his ‘Wheelie’, as all the kids around here have nicknamed him, at the rear of the house. How did he get there? How did I do it? Easy-peasy lemon squezy! All it involves is moving two cars out into the road, shunting Sulo through the garage and out the back door of same into his rightful position. A bit of a palaver really and the return journey looks like being even more messy when he’s filled to the gunnels. So back to square one. He has to go around the side path but, as we all know, like Cinderella’s shoe, HE DOESN’T FIT! Enter the knight in shining armour i.e. yourself! Yup, your letter tantalisingly dangles the solution in front of my eyes - Half-pint Sulo Bins!!!
Gimme. Gimme. Gimme. I’ll do a swapsy with you. One full sized Sulo for two of his little brothers. I’m not being greedy, honest. It’s just that I need the capacity you see. My employer insists on single-handedly cutting down the Amazon rain forest to keep me supplied with bumph and it all eventually makes it’s way into the gaping jaws of Sulo. Apart from that, I couldn’t stand the neighbours pointing at me and
shouting “Look. He’s only got a little one!”.
So it’s all settled then? When do you think that you can get the little blighters to me? You’re definitely sure that they’re not as wide as big brother and will fit snugly round the path? Whilst we’re at it, you wouldn’t like to relieve me of the two original ‘traditional’ bins that I still have pre ‘Wheelie’ days? One of them belongs to you anyway but I’m willing to let you have the other one for nowt since you’ve been so helpful. Owning four rubbish bins as well as two cars is just a little OTT, don’t you think? I wouldn’t care to have the term ‘yuppie’ levelled at my door!
Just a couple of quick questions to round off this correspondence. Your original leaflet says to leave Sulo at the kerbside with the handles facing the road. Is there a hefty fine involved for those householders who leave their bins with the handles facing the wrong way? If so, I’m willing to give you a list at regular intervals of any culprits I spot flouting the law of the land around here. I would not necessarily expect a reward. Secondly, your leaflet also says that, in some cases, Sulo should be left out before 07.00 hours. Can you be a bit more specific? I need to know what time to set my stepdaughter’s alarm clock for every Friday morning so that she can get the two midget Sulo’s out from the back to the front of Robbo Towers in plenty of time.
Right then, I’ll look forward to you delivering my two new babies in the near future. Try and avoid doing it under cover of darkness if you want to miss out on the old buckshot.
Yours sincerely
Lord Robbo
• A subsequent telephone call to Robbo Towers stated that if we wanted 2 miniature Sulos we would be required to pay for one of them. Sure enough, a bill for £25 was eventually received. It may even have eventually been paid!
• The trial was obviously a success since we’ve been stuck with the ‘Wheelie Bin’ ever since. Still, trundling the beasts back & forward each week is the only exercise
Lord Robbo gets these days so I suppose I should be grateful.
• Clydesdale District Council disappeared in 1995 under Local government changes. Serves ‘em right!
 alltheclan
at therobboclan.com
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